"The Absence Of"

Is there such a thing as being cold? You might say: “Of course! My air-conditioner works like a refrigerator!” Well, the truth is that there really isn’t such a thing as “cold”. We can have heat, a lot of it, or sometimes very little of it. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat at all. However, we cannot go any lower than that. There simply doesn’t exist something called “cold”. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy and measurable but cold is not the opposite of heat! “Cold” is a word we made up to describe the lack of heat.

Then is there something called “darkness”? We assume we see it every single night. The truth is…there isn’t! We can have little light, a lot of light, bright light or even flashing light. Darkness isn’t the opposite of light, it’s just the lack or absence of it. If there is such a thing called “darkness”, wouldn’t we be able to make it darker?

Similarly, we don’t have “death”. Death doesn’t exist as a substantial thing. It’s also not the opposite of life. Death is just the absence of life.

I was talking to a dear friend two nights back. She was saying that she can’t and/or doesn’t feel pain anymore. Immune, you might think? What did I say? “It’s not that you don’t feel pain, you just forgot how happiness and joy felt like.” My reasoning?

“Pain is not the opposite of Happiness. It’s the absence of it.” ~ © Esmond Ng 13/09/05

P.S. Anyway, today is the second month of our friendship. Happy Anniversary!

Heart's Beats

I was at China Black Saturday night. (FYI, Esmond doesn't club often; it's just the PMS) Another one of my “friend’s friend’s” birthday party. Didn’t enjoy it one bit. Music wasn’t my type, the crowd wasn’t right. The majority of people there were like 18, 19? My gosh, pathetic! Not that I have any grudges with the youths, but when there’s so many of them, I just felt out of place.

I was doing two things last night after coming home. One, thinking of someone dear to me. Actually, it can’t be called “thinking” because this person is constantly on my mind. Two, watching “House” on AXN.

You know whenever there’s some medical show, there’s bound to be the monotonous machine that goes “DOOOoooooo” when the person dies? It’s so stereotypical. This lead me to wander about people’s heart beats. If you noticed by now, Esmond just thinks too much! He needs some rest!

Well, I was lying in my rainbow-colored bed, pitch black and quiet. (I really love my sheets; they were a present to me.) I listened hard; listened intently. That’s when I slowly heard my own heart beats. Nothing spectacular, just the sound of constant thumping. I stayed still in my crouched position for fear that I may lose the “angle” to hear the beats.

Whilst in that motionless recline, thoughts of my special friend started to flood my mind again. After awhile, I was just solely thinking of her. The beats, however were still there. Then suddenly, I heard an extra beat! (Serious!) Could I have heard wrongly? Maybe it’s the alcohol? I waited for it. Again, the off beat came! The beats started to become more obvious, gradually getting louder concurrently. This went on for about a min or so. The off beats got so overpowering that I could no longer hear my physical heart beats. I knew these weren’t my physical heart beats for they were much faster and inconsistent. It felt like they were beating at my every thought; the stronger the thought, the louder and quicker the beat!

This whole escapade seems so unbelievable and impossible, but it’s true! I wasn’t asleep, dreaming or drunk either! I knew what I heard. For me, it was totally real. Try it for yourself tonight! See if you can hear these off beats too. This night I discovered something new. I finally understood why poets of past describes “my heart beats for you”. And these are the beats that will not stop even when the machine goes “DOOOoooooo”.

Retail Therapy

Retail Therapy. It really works! Don’t know how or why but it does! Shopping soothes the salvage beast. It’s true even for guys. When I last counted, I should have spent at least S$1500 in the last one week. I spent all the money I was saving for my new digital SLR camera! Worst still, I have absolutely no idea what I bought or spent it on! I feel slightly better now. I’m just waiting for my next mood swing so I have an excuse for shopping again!!! Damn it.

Esmond's very own quote for September.

I was pondering over Selina’s MSN nick today. "Nothing is fair in this stupid world!!!" Well, life’s really not fair to me. It’s a big bitch I must agree. However, stupid? I’m not too sure. It kept me really thinking. Hence, Esmond’s very own quote for September. It’s not meant to be targeted at anyone, just people in general. In fact, I fall into this category sometimes too.

“There isn’t anything stupid about this world, just people who choose to be.” ~ © Esmond Ng 02/09/05