Moved

Thanks for all your patronage. This blog will continue to exist.

However, all poetic entries have been moved to:
poetry.esmondng.com

Also do check out my new webbie (in the making):
esmondng.com

And my photographic portfolio soon (not up yet):
gallery.esmondng.com

See Ya!

“Worst Times?” by Esmond Ng 15/12/06 © copyright

Get better soon. Monorail coming your way!

“Worst Times?” by Esmond Ng 15/12/06 © copyright
============================================

When ye skies full grey,
Think your days shadow’d dismay.
Blurr’d sorrow will not let see,
Your eyes to heaven’s sun rays.

For hidden they be,
Behind cloudy bearings they’ll surface.
Of light, of hope, and do await;
The sky is never gloom stays.

If pours from it Love as tempestuous,
Like tears from which stream Thy face.
If not for such solemn toilsome winds,
Would Thou see the betters of they?

May rainbows much exceedingly,
Sought itself to please to surface.
After the sheets of brief, grief rain,
Betters after each every pain.

“Charyle” by Esmond Ng © copyright 29/09/06

“Charyle” by Esmond Ng © copyright 29/09/06
=========================================

Charyle French of which,
Close to seem of little and womanly.
Name aptly to fit,
She that what it means.

For Her Her façade sweet,
Yet charm no not lacking.
From dozens more of her pics,
More allure than all my eyes seen.

Bloom if Thou art exquisite,
Then whole fields of petals I’ll see.
Not for sun shineth on Thee,
But for sun shimmers for She.

“My Bubu Dream” by Esmond Ng copyright © 11/08/06

No inspiration to write for quite awhile until I had this dream last night.
Hope you're doing great! ;)

“My Bubu Dream” by Esmond Ng copyright © 11/08/06
==============================================

Sugary most not definitely,
Taste if sweetened bifold still lacking.
Why Time still bitter bids me chimera,
When all in alpha was such heavenly.

What more a man can be?
When in dreams his stance airs not his belief.
In reverie when vagary permits,
He chooses silence yet to speak.

They say dreams best for utopian schemes,
Where you are master of all it.
Then why not did I stage a better hit,
Why chose I a tragic love misfit?

I comfort though in succor of relief,
That Thee I glimpsed in beaming bliss.
For this I may never awaken see,
If not my lucid Bubu dream.

"No Expectations" & Esmond’s Very Own Quote for May

No Expectations
============

A dear told me some months back: “Do things without expectations, then you wouldn’t be disappointed when you don’t get reciprocal results.” Well, that seemed pretty amazing coming from her. Deliberated, mulled and surmised that it was true. You see, work = force x distance. So going the distance means one would have to work with force in variable extents. If you put in so much effort in something, you’d naturally expect certain returns. If not, you would not have otherwise humanly done it in the first place. As often as we would instead like it, these results can turn out rather dispiriting. Thus to avoid this dampening gloom, not expecting anything in exchange would be our safest bet!

Stuck with that for awhile but soon realized this objective way of doing things was just not mortally possible! The basic fallacy of this statement is it ignores the fact that we are mere flesh and blood; frail and fragile. Any other way to agree otherwise would devoid us of our creatural roots. We are all selfish to some degree or other. Don’t you agree?

How about unconditional Love? The Love of Jesus to His children? The Love of parents to their offsprings? Are we not capable of unconditional Love? Or does it just not really exist in our mundane and secular world? Are self-sacrifice and fairytales just meant for novels and movies? Yet again, some would beg to disagree. I for one would choose to believe. For even cubs to lions mean the world, what less our Loves to we?

Yes, we are self-seeking but also perishable. So why should the nice things we do for people be? Then you ask me: “Summation be, should we expect?”

Esmond’s Very Own Quote for May:
“Give as you would expect receive. And perchance, you’d be surprised with what you tenfold inherit.” ~ © Esmond Ng 09/05/06

Esmond's Very Own Quote for April

The Tests
=======

With the exception of some rare shibboleth individuals, most of us will sparsely embrace the idea of taking tests. Whether in school or in Life, tests present themselves as a really arduous and onerous experience!

However truth be that Life very much resembles tests. It places us in situations where there are just too much uncertainties and variables. Recollect the last time you were sitting for a paper. No matter how prepared you were, there were bound to be questions where you just could not comprehend or answer. What would your strategy be then? Spend every last second on that problem? Perhaps, the more fitting one would be to carry on with the paper and return to this botheration later.

Life is exactly like this. Whenever we run into a predicament, we spend countless nights in deliberation and end up being totally vexed. What we fail to see is that like the test, Life is time constrained. We only have a limited number of earthly hours and we all have an expiry date on our bodies. Why do we persist in using up all our resources solving the baffling encounter?

When one has tried adequately yet fall short of results, it is really time to move on. In Life, it’s the same. Carry on with the rest of your lives! There are really more things to savor and enjoy beyond the current slump you are in. I’m serious. Wouldn’t you agree that it’s absolutely not worth it foregoing the scorings on the rest of the paper for that one question?

Esmond’s very own quote for April:

“Life is like a test. When u hit a patch, move on to the rest and come back later!” ~ Esmond Ng © 03/04/06

Childish

For those whom have been religiously reading my blog (or those few that have), you’d seldom see Esmond bitching about things around him. That is of course until he can no longer suppress the impending need to release that pent-up frustration and the naivety that surrounds him.

Do you have recollections of childhood days? Remember the time you had a new toy and instinctively chucked away the old beloved? Then along came Matthew eagerly picking it up and having the time of his life with it. It seems he has so much fun you decide to reclaim it and thus, tossing the new love. When he’s sufficiently deprived and no longer interested, you cast it out of sight again!

Remember the time you were playing catching? Mark tagged you and made you the catcher instead? No matter how fast he ran or dodged, you insisted on enacting revenge! You stubbornly ignored the easier catches and fixated your target on him! This tit for tat disposition creates a seamless and vicious quid pro quo cycle.

Remember your best mate in school, Luke? You two used to hang out so much together; virtually doing everything like twins? One day, you somehow found a new best friend. Luke was envy green and did everything he could to revert the times; even if it meant ratting on you, betraying your trust and sowing jealously. You just couldn’t believe how selfish and downright dirty he could get just to win you back!

How about John? Being buddies and such, he promised to back and stand by you. He promised to see you through thick and thin. He even swore his loyalty to your friendship. What happened? When the bullies came the next day, he joined their ranks and turned against you. Why did he tell and profess one thing and do another?

Sure, each of us has to some extent done these one time or another in our youthful days. But shouldn’t such petty behavior be better left back then? It’s a wonder how some people still practice them at their age. As the Aussies put it: “You have lost the plot mate.” As Singaporeans aptly put it: “Wake up your bloody idea and grow up!”

What is Love?

What is Love? Each one of us will at one juncture in time ponder over it. Just what is Love? We draw conclusions from movies, friends and social norms. To each his or her own, we come up with our own yardsticks to try and reconcile this quandary. With what extent of certitude have we? To what amount are we unequivocal about Love and its meaning?

I have in my blog, numerous poems and posts regarding what I feel Love is. Yet, I am unsure. I am lost and feeble; vulnerable and nakedly exposed. As sudden as a gust of wind, I recall something which may aptly relate to this common dilemma. In fact, the answer may have existed all along; all through the ages and most of time.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres". ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

“I Love You” by Esmond Ng © copyright 03/03/06

Hey, Life is really fragile. If ever an eulogy is needed for me, please read this:


“I Love You” by Esmond Ng © copyright 03/03/06
============================================

These three words most commonly used;
Misused, underused and superfluously accented.
For oft-imagined they only indulged in Lovers’ converse,
Neglected Love of kinships and friends due.

If Fate so callously command should to me,
That next beautiful sunrise again I will never see.
Then let all I adore be told these three,
Lest they cease to ever remember me remember Thee.

For Love be from me to my Parents rightfully,
And Love be to all close or even acquainted me.
Not least be Love to fore Lovers of mine give,
That each did I bare for Thine wholeheartedly.

Did chance not I had to profess all these?
Nay I say, for my actions they preceded me.
Only for moments with me not around to please,
I Love You for moments just like these.

Esmond's Very Own Quote for March

Must strive to do this myself too!

“March is essentially the same as moving forward, however with conviction!” ~ © Esmond Ng 02/03/06

“Your Smiles” by Esmond Ng © copyright 20/02/06

“Your Smiles” by Esmond Ng © copyright 20/02/06
=============================================

If a smile can win the world over,
Nothing is beyond Thy reach.
If a smile can make grey skies blue,
Why rainbows do we need?

A child’s smile innocently put,
Melt hearts without universal speech.
If smiles do miracles around us every each,
Then why not I see you smile more than you really mean?

Thee had said smiles better frowns than,
For someone may indeed be falling for them.
Losing only to a loving kiss,
A smile’s a gift kindly a beautiful thing.

I believe smiles genuine stems from happiness within,
Something we all long but forlorn it seems.
Why not let your smiles guide life along with steps take Thee,
For they mean you be most joyous at that instance be.

I seek a smile on you every second to see,
A smile on you brings many smiles to me.
For wrinkles not age but tells where smiles have been,
I wish those smiles were hath been because me.

Happy Valentines!

Happy Valentines to all! 

My attempt at blue roses. (Arcylic on canvas, gloss vanish.)
Nice?

Affinity

Do you believe in Affinity? Affinity is a natural attraction, liking, or feeling of kinship. Have you ever met someone for the first time yet felt like you have known the person for ages? Have you ever met someone who just naturally clicks with you. No, I’m not talking about Love at first sight; just some person that you feel absolutely comfortable with. Someone whom you can share time, happiness and sadness without reserve. I guess most people would have felt like that one time or other. It’s really unexplainable and quite miraculous actually.

I recently got to understand one of my acquaintances more in-depth. Previously, I had known little about this person. By chance I communicated with her and found we had a lot in similar. Maybe it’s because we are of the same zodiac! Our characters are somewhat alike and we just hit it off so instantly. I would say she feels like a long-time good friend even though we know so little about each other. It’s just a feeling I get whenever I’m around her. Hmm…

Well, I don’t know about tomorrow or the challenges they bring. I just know that at this juncture in time, I have found another buddy whom I can relate to with ease. Whenever I’m with this person, I don’t have to put on a front to protect myself or try to impress her. I’m just me. I would say I really enjoy her company and friendship. Some of you may just think I’m blabbering nonsense but it’s really difficult in this pretentious world to be able to find someone whom you can have heart to heart talks with.

More description about this person? I would have to say she’s rather cranky at times but really loads of fun to be with. Although overused, sweet is a word that aptly describes her, especially when she’s asleep. Haha. I am really looking forward to spending more time with this new buddy of mine. Hopefully a very fruitful friendship will sprout from this chanced meeting. Anyway if you’re reading this, just want to wish you the best in this doggie year! Keke.

“The Slumber Baby” by Esmond Ng © copyright 05/02/06

“The Slumber Baby” by Esmond Ng © copyright 05/02/06
==================================================

Was cruising on the expressway last dark,
Soft the radio croons my favorite tunes.
There on not my right but left be,
A slumber baby midst in her dreams.

Were they sweet saccharine sugary?
The cloudland I pray not too cloyingly.
For revel I in her faerie form in silent sleep,
Not to wake but in still repose I enjoy see.

Admit I that lonely the drive not be,
For alongside me a little slumber baby.
And those stolen glances occasionally at she,
That the journey no longer seems a journey.

Such enchanting company; the slumber baby.

Esmond's Very Own Quote for February

From personal experience too,

“We always hurt more than others for we are the someone else in our own shoes.” ~ © Esmond Ng 01/02/06

Esmond's Very Own Quote for January

From personal experience,

"They are called New Year Resolutions because they are made at the turn of the year and forgotten soon after." ~ © Esmond Ng 17/01/06

“Flowers” by Esmond Ng © copyright 11/01/06

Was reading blogs randomly and I found this really interesting description of a gal by her friend. In addition, there must have been at least a dozen pictures of her with different bouquets of flowers. Wow! That’s more flowers than I ever received! Keke. Anyways, I just had the urge to write this after leaving that bloggie.


“Flowers” by Esmond Ng © copyright 11/01/06
=========================================

In colors more varied than rainbows exhibit,
Petals from assortment of flowers they carry.
Like the beauty from which these chromatics due,
Such so is her liking for such colors; such hues.

For she be no favorite of particular bloom,
That all flowers be equal pleasing; receiving too.
I know not her but seems to me she,
In love with flowers than those buzzing around her constantly.

Not to say diddly of her nor just porcelain to view,
Nay don’t get me wrong, you deserve many festoons.
For flowers they belong only to an elegant minority,
And truth be, that you amongst the very few.

I adore the way your companion puts it,
That you be personified beast’s beau.
For most of us categorized as such,
And fittingly that Thee fits beauty’s shoe.

“Love should not need” by Esmond Ng © copyright 07/01/06

Hi people! Had nothing to write on the past 2 weeks. I was just browsing through my friend's friends in friendster (what a mouthful!) and I saw something that caught my attention. Inspiration! This is what I saw:

I'm going to try to speak the words
that my heart wants you to know
I want you to see what you mean to me
and why I love you so.
Nobody else can know my thoughts
and touch my soul like you can
No one can melt my heart like you do
simply by holding my hand.
With a loving glance or a tender kiss
you make my cares disappear
Warm thoughts of you surround me
and always keep you near.
I need nothing more from you than this-
to know that you'll always be mine
And the promise of your love in my life-
until the end of time~

(Source: Je m'appelleCAT's friendster profile)

In response/addition:

“Love should not need” by Esmond Ng © copyright 07/01/06
=====================================================

Words from Thy Heart need not speak,
For tongues unworldly fit deem to say of it.
See need not Love’s eye to sight,
That what you be feeling needn’t show explicit.

Thoughts as such no one seems know,
Less even as to touch your soul.
I beg to differ that it be not the involvement of hands,
That melts what where your true self beats.

Thou longeth for glances candied and delicate lips,
Even memories to warm up and safe keep.
But most of all what your beatings forlorn need,
Is a Love; fairytale ever after to exist.

I be saying all these as same I somewhat agree,
That what you dearly hold on to I can relate honestly.
If kind fate should ever decree favorably,
Too I search what you too seek.

Magical if such Love should indeed extant be,
Doubt I that Thou will really ever should need;
Such speech, sight, mind and senses sweet,
For Love is the only thing needed transcend all these.

No words said but thoughts the other knows,
No visions but the other Thee clearly in head sees.
No tendering touches but still lucidly; felt we.
For Love true should if exist,
All these irrelevant be; we not need.

“Forget Me” by Esmond Ng © copyright 11/12/05

For Bubu,

“Forget Me” by Esmond Ng © copyright 11/12/05
===========================================

Forget you?
Why should I?
For to me you the most pleasant;
Of all my memories present.

Forget you?
And the reason being?
Not that hopes of rekindled feelings hold,
Just as a dear friend I hope still own.

They say:
“Friends are friends forever.”
Ain’t that the way supposed it be?
Then why I feel ostracized and such enmity?

I still do cry out Heavenly One,
Not for Love to come my way.
But for happiness your way,
And all that you wish for to stay.

I may have mistakes made,
Along this lonely path swayed.
But I am just man to err,
Not an excuse but forgiveness please I pray.

At the end of my days,
I still hope to have this memory engraved.
That maybe sweet thoughts of you,
Can keep my beliefs sane.

Oh no, I haven’t changed.
I still believe, I still do keep;
That someday true Love cometh,
This never smooth road runneth.

Then I ask once again.
“Forget me”, “Why?” I say.
For all this searching while for,
A perfect memory I’ve found that day.

Moving On

I spent the whole of last morning reading through my own posts from the very beginning. After that, a natural question to myself was: “How is it that I can write so strongly about one person, then within a few months write so absolutely again about another?”

Then I realized it. Whether on a conscious or sub-conscious level, I was trying to move on. Seconds past, minutes fly and days elapse. Time waits for no one. Being a nostalgic person, I don’t like that one bit. I like the past, I like memories. But I just can’t help it. As they say: “Life goes on.”

Everyone has their strong traits. Everyone is special in their own ways. This is something I always advocate. “No one is good at nothing!” True, I may have fallen for others. True, I may have tried again and perhaps again. But every each one of them have unique memories for me. Some allocated with more weight, others less. Nothing is fair. That’s for sure since all eternity.

Sometimes in retrospect, I remember certain picture frames of different people. Some are very much more hurting than the others. It’s freaking immense for me I admit, but the seconds still tick. I’m battered, bleeding and bruised. I’m tired and forlorn. I can’t deny me. The one that still weighs the most, I miss you loads.

My canoe once capsized and I found myself swimming for help. I swam for a long time only to comprehend I was on the same spot. The currents in the sea were keeping me stuck on the same spot! I struggled in frenzy but still, I was in the same spot. I wonder if I can let go. Let the currents carry me. Would I be somewhere else? Would the currents lead me to shore or wash me deeper into trouble? Tell me then. Can I still hold on to my fantasy forever? I know I would like to. Fate have pity on me please.

“Sometimes the harder you try to move on, the easier it is for you to remain status quo.” ~ © Esmond Ng 10/12/05

“The Sixth Sense” by Esmond Ng © copyright 08/12/05

“The Sixth Sense” by Esmond Ng © copyright 08/12/05
================================================

The first being you my eyes see,
That such is sense sweet of sight.
That Love they say blind is,
Nay I say for you not their visions find.

Secondly the serene sound of Thee,
Voice as choir concordant pleasing.
That all who chance hear of such music,
Shall no longer stray but choose near stay it.

Third my nose will first recognize,
That scent of fresh on Thy skin fine.
Which lingers as flowers in Spring,
Luscious I remember will always seem.

That fourth sense of touch never can forget,
The sensations when skins they match.
Cause hearts to beat uncontrollably,
And breaths hastened to the beats.

Only once did our lips meet,
Yet this fifth feeling is forever engraved deep.
The taste of innocent lips,
The pervading taste of Love’s reach.

Such are five senses commonly said,
But one more true that is the sixth.
That the one truth from the heart Love speaks,
Is the one which overrules all the preceding.

Missing You & "Esmond's very own quote for December"

Yes. It’s one of those nights I can’t fall into slumber again. What’s keeping me up? Thoughts of a dear friend. I still miss you; your every movement and smile. Your every memory that lingers in my mind. Your calls, the nights we shared and the promises we made. Every little thing baby. Love you still.

Esmond’s very own quote for December:
“They always say we long for things we can’t get. But sometimes, what we really miss are the things we once had.” ~ © Esmond Ng 09/12/05

“This Place” by Esmond Ng © copyright 25/11/05

Just came back from the 166. (Ref: 11/07/05 “The 166”) Well, it’s been an awful long while since I last visited it. Although I was standing there on the chilly road, nothing about the place seemed biting at all. Every memory and feeling associated with this place flooded back into me without foretoken.


The 166 

“This Place” by Esmond Ng © copyright 25/11/05
============================================

After all, this was where I first saw you in white angelic.
The place I picked you up from for our first date.
The place I thought I would see the sweetest thing to my eyes each every day.
The place which stayed the one who took my last true love breath away.

At this place I hold much lovely memories but also pain.
That I would hurt someone and disappoint her till this day.
At this place, never the same it will be.
At this place, they soon will tear down; cease to exist.

But at this place, though no longer soon be;
Will stay the same in heart and mind; like you be to me.
For I to you, believe you still say the same;
That you be a holder of past “begone” memories.

“From my eyes” by Esmond Ng © copyright 14/11/05

Inspired by Kitty. http://forums.clubsnap.org/showthread.php?t=160039
If anyone found him/her already, do let me know yah?



Poor thing. (Image used with owner's permission) 


“From my eyes” by Esmond Ng © copyright 14/11/05
==============================================

From my eyes,
Bustling profuse on streets.
Yet no one turns twice to see,
The agony I terrible be.

Stricken; injured leg I laid,
By the bin eyes so wretchedly.
None to hear my mewls aid,
None to helplessness I can relate.

From my eyes,
All caught up in own busy day.
How so no one to avail my pain?
Seems compassion yesteryear a trait.

For I am exposed feeble,
Without human speech and expression.
Without which I am prostrated,
To Death a certitude fate.

Although stray my parentage,
I am living and with filled feelings.
I am just a little kitten impoverished by strain,
Just a kitty, please on me have pity.

“Purple Butterfly” by Esmond Ng © copyright 04/11/05

“Purple Butterfly” by Esmond Ng © copyright 04/11/05
==================================================

Purple prose the butterfly,
On flower top did it’s beauty shine.
Slender it’s body yet big,
Its wings of colors in social settings.

So attractive yet exclusive it be,
That all attention should flock around Thee.
For ornate and ever so pretty,
In mind though ago last I long time meet.

Purple in all ancient royalty,
My princess found I in Thee.
That all my world like the flower I be,
Should await your florid setting upon me.

Same feeling in abdomen I get,
Butterflies when you my eyes set.
For it be my heart beats uncontrollably,
When purple prose the butterfly I see.

Esmond's very own quote for November

Had another dear friend who used to leave this as her nick in MSN. “Everyone goes through storms before finding their Rainbows.” (Source: Unknown) I actually quite agree with that statement. Personally, I found it very encouraging and empowering especially if you’re feeling blue.

Then, I realized an exception to this. What happens if you didn’t go through any storms? What happens if you just happen to walk past one after the storms had past? Does it mean it’s any less of a Rainbow?

It’s human to err. More so, it’s human to neglect and take for granted the lovely things and people around us each and every second. Often, we don’t appreciate them until they’re no longer there. Sometimes, we don’t even see them at all!

There are more Rainbows amongst us than we think. A lot of the time, we get so fixated on wanting to make something a Rainbow, we fail to see the apparent ones around us. We get so resolute on creating a miracle with someone or something that we just can’t see the other marvels occurring besides us. Hence, Esmond’s very own quote for November:

“Question: How do you find the prettiest Rainbows?
Answer: By looking past and around them instead.”
~ © Esmond Ng 04/11/05

My attempt at creating a Rainbow! 


Concise Painting Synopsis:
(Arcylic on canvas, gloss vanish.)

Whilst planning, there were a couple of crucial elements for this painting. The proportions, textures and colors.

If you notice, there’s a very distinct separation between the black and the blue background. Similarly, people often see things in very clear cut situations of right and wrong, true or false, good or bad, et cetera. The picture is cropped. In the original painting, the black area takes up three quarters of the space; signifying that humans mostly like to perceive situations as “pessimistic” more.

On the dark side, texture is very cross-sectional and intentionally messy. Even the rainbow here is staggered and broken. This coincides with the confusion and stress on the moody area. The clear skies are nicely blue and white with smooth circular strokes. The rainbow over on this side is defined and congruent. When things seem bad or hopeless, look forward and you may see your Rainbow. The signature is in bright yellow; suggesting that hopefully, I may be of sunshine to others.

“I believe” by Esmond Ng © copyright 19/10/05

“I believe” by Esmond Ng © copyright 19/10/05
==========================================

I believe in Love, true.
I believe in Valentines, everyday.
I believe in Fairytales and “Happily Ever Afters”.
I believe in finding you, someday.

I believe in “Made in Heaven”.
I believe in “Meant to be”.
I believe in Miracles of Fate.
I believe in someday you and me.

I believe in me giving everything.
I believe in you to me will reciprocate.
I believe in both fully giving and taking.
I believe in this, the Love of my Life does await.

I believe in someone believing the same things.
I believe in under this sky blanket we stay.
I believe in you be thinking of what I say.
I believe in true Love; really, someday.

“Rainbows” by Esmond Ng © copyright 12/10/05

“Rainbows” by Esmond Ng © copyright 12/10/05
=========================================

Rainbows, the most spectacular show of lights on Earth.
Colors which make happy even the darkest of Hades.
Called so due to dispersed spectrum through mist,
Miracle of Nature indeed it is.

Seven colors some deem display of refraction properties.
Simply I ascribe each to every day of week,
That thoughts of you equally as pleasing sweet;
So such candied beauty is actually reflected on Thy cheeks.

What makes it all amazing, the bow of the rain,
Bending it’s colorations down for Thee.
Few fathom the top of bow is where ye sun is peaked,
The very place Thou be when Thy eyes chance upon should it.

More so fewer knows the sun be behind when Rainbows are seen;
The warm rays of console backing you though unseen.
When Thou should thinkst all is gloom and so biting,
Turn and look, there may your forlorn beam be.

I have heard from a dear friend this,
“That everyone through storms go before a Rainbow achieved.”
Think of it this, even Noah’s storm for forty days and nights did;
Take heart Dearie, your Rainbow is on due way soon you’ll see.

“The Disconsolate Angel” by Esmond Ng © copyright 06/10/05

Wrote this in response to my friend's poem. Cheer up girl! You say everyone goes through a storm before seeing rainbows. I personally believe that each storm makes the next rainbow even more magical.


Found here:

:: CreStFalLeN ::
Tears fall,
But my smile remains.
They dont know,
I slowly go insane.
My soul died,
The day you walked away.
In case its the end,
I lay me down to pray.
What did I do,
For you to do me so wrong?
I tell me not to care,
All you did was make me strong.
But I miss you,
This I just can't deny.
I wish to hug you,
But I won't let you see me cry...

For Yvonne,

“The Disconsolate Angel” by Esmond Ng © copyright 06/10/05
=======================================================

Seemingly beyond consolation you lay,
In your tears hidden by the feigning smile you display.
But bystanders they truly see in Thy angelic grace,
That your rainbow will come soon; hold on to your faith.

Thou art remain strong I pray,
The disconsolate Angel in all so beauty’s allure.
If so really Thou’s soul did die when he went away,
How so the world stays in awe when my eyes set on your face?

For not all will appreciate an Angel image,
Just like an unbeliever to a miracle’s envisage.
Wrong he did to you; you so unfairly perceived,
However wrong then you, because he be the one on losing’s receive.

Sometimes Love not work our way,
It’s been so since man can relate.
Not at all smooth our experiences vouch this journey,
But after each means we are closer to our fairy dreamings.

With every heart-felt pain we take away,
Lessons learned, all of which valuable to assist.
After storms, we then know better what future brings,
And what to avoid when rainbow’s gold at end we see.

"Let IT look for you" & Esmond's very own quote for October

In response to a comment left on my last post; I believe there isn’t a single straight-forward answer pertaining to where you can find your happiness. Happiness is a solitary state of being. Only you, yourself will know whether you are truly in bliss. I feel it’s neither a process of searching nor attaining. When it happens, it just happens.

I can’t give you an answer because I don’t have one. I too, have yet to realize any certitude of happiness. I have on occasions came close but only to recognize they were merely glimpses of heaven.

What I can leave you with is something gained on one of those “occasions”. This very dear person said to me:

“Don’t look for happiness, let it look for you. You’ll be much happier.” ~ Bubu

I know embracing this statement leaves us in a very uncertain, volatile capacity. Nevertheless, ponder over it. I have challenged it, but on return found much solace in it. Why I found this phrase comforting? Esmond’s very own quote for October:

“What you can force, isn’t meant to be.” ~ © Esmond Ng 02/10/05

"The Absence Of"

Is there such a thing as being cold? You might say: “Of course! My air-conditioner works like a refrigerator!” Well, the truth is that there really isn’t such a thing as “cold”. We can have heat, a lot of it, or sometimes very little of it. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat at all. However, we cannot go any lower than that. There simply doesn’t exist something called “cold”. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy and measurable but cold is not the opposite of heat! “Cold” is a word we made up to describe the lack of heat.

Then is there something called “darkness”? We assume we see it every single night. The truth is…there isn’t! We can have little light, a lot of light, bright light or even flashing light. Darkness isn’t the opposite of light, it’s just the lack or absence of it. If there is such a thing called “darkness”, wouldn’t we be able to make it darker?

Similarly, we don’t have “death”. Death doesn’t exist as a substantial thing. It’s also not the opposite of life. Death is just the absence of life.

I was talking to a dear friend two nights back. She was saying that she can’t and/or doesn’t feel pain anymore. Immune, you might think? What did I say? “It’s not that you don’t feel pain, you just forgot how happiness and joy felt like.” My reasoning?

“Pain is not the opposite of Happiness. It’s the absence of it.” ~ © Esmond Ng 13/09/05

P.S. Anyway, today is the second month of our friendship. Happy Anniversary!

Heart's Beats

I was at China Black Saturday night. (FYI, Esmond doesn't club often; it's just the PMS) Another one of my “friend’s friend’s” birthday party. Didn’t enjoy it one bit. Music wasn’t my type, the crowd wasn’t right. The majority of people there were like 18, 19? My gosh, pathetic! Not that I have any grudges with the youths, but when there’s so many of them, I just felt out of place.

I was doing two things last night after coming home. One, thinking of someone dear to me. Actually, it can’t be called “thinking” because this person is constantly on my mind. Two, watching “House” on AXN.

You know whenever there’s some medical show, there’s bound to be the monotonous machine that goes “DOOOoooooo” when the person dies? It’s so stereotypical. This lead me to wander about people’s heart beats. If you noticed by now, Esmond just thinks too much! He needs some rest!

Well, I was lying in my rainbow-colored bed, pitch black and quiet. (I really love my sheets; they were a present to me.) I listened hard; listened intently. That’s when I slowly heard my own heart beats. Nothing spectacular, just the sound of constant thumping. I stayed still in my crouched position for fear that I may lose the “angle” to hear the beats.

Whilst in that motionless recline, thoughts of my special friend started to flood my mind again. After awhile, I was just solely thinking of her. The beats, however were still there. Then suddenly, I heard an extra beat! (Serious!) Could I have heard wrongly? Maybe it’s the alcohol? I waited for it. Again, the off beat came! The beats started to become more obvious, gradually getting louder concurrently. This went on for about a min or so. The off beats got so overpowering that I could no longer hear my physical heart beats. I knew these weren’t my physical heart beats for they were much faster and inconsistent. It felt like they were beating at my every thought; the stronger the thought, the louder and quicker the beat!

This whole escapade seems so unbelievable and impossible, but it’s true! I wasn’t asleep, dreaming or drunk either! I knew what I heard. For me, it was totally real. Try it for yourself tonight! See if you can hear these off beats too. This night I discovered something new. I finally understood why poets of past describes “my heart beats for you”. And these are the beats that will not stop even when the machine goes “DOOOoooooo”.

Retail Therapy

Retail Therapy. It really works! Don’t know how or why but it does! Shopping soothes the salvage beast. It’s true even for guys. When I last counted, I should have spent at least S$1500 in the last one week. I spent all the money I was saving for my new digital SLR camera! Worst still, I have absolutely no idea what I bought or spent it on! I feel slightly better now. I’m just waiting for my next mood swing so I have an excuse for shopping again!!! Damn it.

Esmond's very own quote for September.

I was pondering over Selina’s MSN nick today. "Nothing is fair in this stupid world!!!" Well, life’s really not fair to me. It’s a big bitch I must agree. However, stupid? I’m not too sure. It kept me really thinking. Hence, Esmond’s very own quote for September. It’s not meant to be targeted at anyone, just people in general. In fact, I fall into this category sometimes too.

“There isn’t anything stupid about this world, just people who choose to be.” ~ © Esmond Ng 02/09/05